(Friends, I wrote this post over CHRISTmas, but because I had made the choice not to blog over the break it has been sitting in my computer…but I feel compelled to share it as I feel someone needs the assurance of the encouragement it provides. And I really want to know the answer to the question I pose at the end!)
I am sitting in a hospital recovery room, eyes affixed on my sixteen year old son who is recovering from surgery.
I sit here listening to his rough breathing and search his scruffily bearded face for signs of consciousness – attempting to will his eyes to open. Searching for a glimpse of the playful personality that brings such joy to our lives.
We refer to my son as “a walking party” and he is just that, as well as an encourager and compassionate leader amongst his peers.
As we walked into the hospital at 5:30 a.m. we were greeted by a ten foot Christmas tree bedazzled with gold and red decor that revealed the celebratory nature of the season. The receptionist that greeted us and helped us complete paper work was adorned in a green sparkly shirt and a Merry CHRISTmas pin.
All of the joy and love of the CHRISTmas was keeping any real concern at bay.
Thankfully his hospitalization is not life threatening, he has a badly broken collar bone that required surgery. My “waiting” I expected to be relatively simple and anxiety free.
I was mistaken – I underestimated the tug on my heart from the events of the past. A tug that traveled from heart to my brain and began to invade my mind with tendrils of fear.
I close my eyes and am catapulted back in time to a sweet little boy, with a soft smooth face with vacant eyes lying in a tiny hospital bed. The tendrils grip tight and the “what if’s” begin to invade my mind relentlessly. (If you have read Be The Mom, you know that of which I speak.)
So many years ago with a toddler, and through many trials since then, I have learned that there is a weapon against the invader that is fear. I quietly repeat scripture in my mind and the truth of God’s love for me, and my son sweetly replace the fear…peace on earth…peace in my heart and mind.
Has there been a time in your life recently where the truth of God’s word tumbled through your heart and mind to bring you peace?
Tracey, I have been battling off and on with fear concerning my husband’s job. A few years ago I became a stay at home mom when the company I worked for, a non-profit, laid off many of their employees. Thanks to a new and better paying job that my husband had secured the last year of my employment. My heart’s cry for quite some time was to be a stay at home mom, but due to finances and debt we were unable to make it work. Thanks to a financial blessing and increased income we were able to pay off all our debt besides our house and form an emergency fund. I’ve been at home for four years and fear sometimes that my husband could lose his job and I wonder what that would mean for my family. I love being home and being there for my kids and doing ministry. Recently I reviewed a series of events in my mind and how God worked everything out better than we could have imagined. I felt more peace and assurance than ever before that no matter what, nothing will surprise God and He already has a plan. A plan which is often much better than we can imagine.
Oh Erin, thank you so much for sharing your experience with God’s faithfulness, even through your fears! God is such an amazing and sweet provider! Big Hug!
A few months ago I was supposed to return to work after the birth of my daughter. I had been through it before when I went back to work after my son was born. It was heart wrenching, but he was going to be with Grandma two days a week and Dad the other three. He was in good hands but it still felt so wrong. This time, with my baby girl, Grandma couldn’t commit to watching two, and with my son enrolled in a Christian preschool, it was just too much for her. So I started interviewing nannies. Truth be told I made enough money to hire whoever I wanted. I knew how lucky I was to have options, but I was sick about leaving my most precious gifts on Earth with a stranger so I could make money to finance “things”. It was awful and I felt like a failure on the most basic level. BUT I had pushed us into a big home on a few acres and the reality was I had to go to work or lose the house. So I hired a nanny, prayed a lot, and ignored all the whispering in my heart. On the day I was to return I couldn’t get dressed. I couldn’t get in the shower. I couldn’t breathe. I came out from the bathroom and took my daughter from my husband and looked at him. He said, “you aren’t going, are you.” Nope. No, no, and … No. I was fine for about a week. Then that crazy thing called reality came knocking again. I have never been so afraid in my life. What did I do? How would this work? What have I done to my family? I was sick for weeks. I was not sleeping and nearing the end of a very frayed rope. I was rocking my daughter to sleep and the tears were falling all over her. I heard clearly a voice say, “Heather, I LOVE you! I have plans for you! They are good and you will be okay! I do not want you to worry about the future. There is a bigger picture!” I kept repeating “there is a bigger picture, there is a bigger picture….” And filling in things that had me worried. Like, ” there is a bigger picture than this big house! There is a bigger picture than a fancy job! There is a bigger picture than that new SUV, boat, dining room addition…” I began to really believe it. I began to finally REALLY trust that God has a plan for a good future for me! The peace helped bring clarity and helped me start planning. Now each time I freak out, I just repeat, ” there is a bigger picture!” Not technically scripture, but I know the scripture it stands for. I don’t have it all figured out yet, but I have learned to put real trust in God and though I don’t know yet what the future holds, I have hope! 🙂
wow Heather…my heart swells for you and all the emotion you shared, thank you for being so vulnerable. I prayed for you. What I can tell you, based on my experience, you are doing what God is asking you to do and it may require tough choices, but you will not regret your obedience. I am shaking my pom poms and cheering loudly for you as you Be The Mom! Big Hug!